When I started my blog, I set a posting goal of at least one post a week. Not to brag, but I did excellently until school got out at the end of May. For some reason, I really struggled finding the motivation to sit down and write once I was no longer regularly in front of my computer.
Also, I have personally put an unnatural amount of pressure on myself to be perfect in my attempts to share my story and to motivate others.
But how can I help others when I’m struggling myself? How can I motivate others when I can’t seem to keep myself motivated?
In the middle of August, I jumped back on the bandwagon with full force. I was following the PiYo workout series, and I had my eating under control for the most part. I completed 6 of the 8 weeks, lost pounds and inches, and felt amazing!
And then for some reason, I quit. No distinct reason why; no major precipitating factors. I just woke up one morning and didn’t want to work out… So I didn’t. And then I didn’t work out the next day. Or the next.
I went on a downward spiral fast with my exercise, which I then let take over my eating, and most disappointingly, I let it stop my participation in my Facebook support group.
You see, I’m a perfectionist… an imperfect perfectionist. When I feel on top of my game and am doing everything in my power to lead a healthy lifestyle, I am confident in my abilities to share in my daily triumphs and struggles. I am damn near obsessive in my dedication to be the best group leader that I can, and I want to be active online and in my personal life. I feel on top of the world.
However, when I’m feeling defeated, I don’t think I have any right to encourage people to eat healthy and exercise. I feel hypocritical.
Thank God for the wonderful people in my group. They have sent me the most encouraging messages saying that they miss me and my daily participation. They make me want to get back on track with my workouts and my eating.
However, the one person that encourages me the most is probably the person that I most take for granted. My mom.
I’ve said in previous posts how much my mom inspires and encourages me. She listens every time I feel the need to rant and rave about whatever topic, whether it be in regards to my job, my friends, or my struggles with my weight and fitness. She listens for hours on end without complaint.
However, when she tries to check in with me because I’ve been inactive with my support group and/or distant in general I act annoyed with her. I know she knows all my flaws and loves me anyway. I just feel like I’m failing her somehow. I know how proud of me she was when I lost all of the weight, and I know she worries that I’m going to go through the same cycle of gaining and losing and gaining and losing again that she has faced. She wants better for me, and when I feel like I’m not meeting that, I take it out on her. It isn’t anything that she does; it is all my mental expectations being projected on her. She bears the brunt of my disappointment in myself, and for that, I am truly sorry. God blessed me with one of the best, and I take it for granted.
This is where I’m at right now. I’m working on getting back on track with both my eating and exercise. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to be perfect and on top of my game 100% of the time. It is okay to stumble and to struggle. It is not okay to allow one slip up to completely derail me.
I’m here, and in support of Yoda, I’m doing. It’s okay to be imperfect.
I do want to give a HUGE shout out and THANK YOU to Nicolle Hendrix, Kathy Biles, Lisa Eddington, Jenn Record, and MOST IMPORTANTLY my mom Kristi Murphy! Thank you for not giving up on me and for checking in with me when my presence online became nonexistent.